Today I updated my blog in several ways. I changed the blog name and web address to more accurately reflect the direction of its content, and instead of remaining anonymous behind the nickname “dabbler” I decided to use my real, full name. Finally, I created or updated accounts on different social media so that my posts will automatically appear on those sites. This post will be the first that is automatically shared to other social media sites.
Changing the domain name was easy enough, and having my real name attached to what I write only caused a twinge of nervousness. However broadcasting updates for my blog across social media with my name attached to them is terrifying for me.
The reason sharing my posts with people I knew scares me is because I feel a tremendous amount of shame about my past. I have vanished out of the lives of countless people who still use social media sites, particularly facebook. Each time I moved I did not keep up any connection to the people I left behind, not to mention the months I spent closed off from everyone when I was hiding in an attic.
The shame I feel about my past translates into fear about what will happen if I revisit it. Not only did I vanish whenever I moved, but it is only recently that I have been open about myself at all. People who read this who I have shut out or lied to might meet a different person than the one they thought they knew, or discover that I had wronged them by lying.
I am scared. I am still going to be open about myself anyway, and beyond the fear I am hopeful.
Ian Clifton
The Thoughtful Thought 